Q: Thank you for taking the time to talk today Comma. How are you?
A: Ooooh. Well, I’m feeling a little left-out. Before we get started, though, do you think we could have more than five minutes? I have a long list of grievances, starting with your leaving out a comma in front of my name in that first question.
Q: Oh dear. Five is the “in” number for everything these days. You know… 5 things to know before you go… take 5… give me 5. I’m not sure we can go more than 5. People just don’t have the attention span. … Hey what’s that over there? Is that The Semi-colon? Aren’t you guys sort of rivals? Can we call him over?
A: Okay, I’ll take what I can get. Let’s do five. What would you like to know?
Q: When did you first begin to feel you were headed toward extinction?
A: Whoa. That’s a loaded question.
Q: You’re right. You’re right. Maybe we should start with you telling us how things used to be for you. You know down through the ages.
A: Well, as far back as I can remember, I had a pretty important job. Mostly I had to separate things so that people could communicate precisely what they meant, particularly in written communications, where the reader is not going to hear pauses and inflections of the voice. Sometimes that meant separating things in a series. Sometimes it meant separating a modifying word or phrase from the main topic of the sentence. Lots of times, I stopped thoughts from running into each other and becoming a jumbled mess.
Q: When you separate things in a series aren’t you taking the place of the word “and”? Don’t you think “and” might feel a little displaced by that? And doesn’t that mean you benefited from one of the early waves of lazy humans wanting to cut down on the effort of fully communicating what they mean? And now you’re complaining about that very same trend?
A: Whoa again! One question at a time, please. First of all, yes, I do take the place of the word “and” in a series. You could see that as a sort of speech shortcut, I suppose, but more likely it was because people don’t like to hear or read the same word over and over. I hardly think “and” gets short shrift here; look at all the incidences of that conjunction in your question. I imagine “and” is more offended by improperly starting the beginning of your sentences – twice.
Q: Fair enough. But why do you feel you’re needed in a salutation before someone’s name? People have been getting by without it in texting for years now. I read it’s actually incorrect in the business world to start an email with “Hello, Mrs. Brown,” for example. It’s just “Hello Mrs. Brown,” but you do get to follow Mrs. Brown before the message continues.
A: Well, Ms. Q, I think that, technically, The Period should follow that salutation, as that’s a complete sentence: “Hello, Mrs. Brown.” But I won’t argue that. In texting and maybe in emails, the person being addressed is receiving a personal message at a personal address or phone number. Thus, there’s no way to confuse what is meant. In other contexts, I can be pretty important in communicating what is meant. On a billboard recently, there was the phrase “Save America!” It was not intended for Superman. It was advertising for a bank. The message really was intended to be financial advice: “Save, America!”
Of course, there’s the funny example that’s been going around: “Let’s eat, Grandma.” Without me, Grandma would be in mortal danger.
Q: That’s all the time we have. We don’t want to leave people “comma-tose.”
A: OK, I don’t really think The Hyphen would want to be part of that. …
Q: The Hyphen? Hmm. Now that’s something you really don’t see anymore. Let me know if you see The Hyphen around. We’ll do five minutes with him too. … Or maybe three. Or two.